They can be so odd, dreams can. Remembered, not rememberanced, delicious or terrifying, and some explain things, events, past and present and sometimes future.
Like Israel’s boy, Joseph, who was sold into Egypt I have dreamed dreams in times past and been given very specific interpretation of them. I’ve learned to pay attention to my dreams.
Today’s dream: I’m in the passengers seat, my cowboy driving, in the dark down a mountain hiway. The road turns sharply left and too late I see that we are headed over the cliff. The car sails out over the edge and begins to fall.
It is strangely quite, peaceful even. I can feel my breath stop and my stomach rise. Time slows immeasurably. I know when we hit the bottom we will die and I wait for it and we fall for ever so long. Before our cars crashes at the bottom I wake up, feeling almost cheated.
I think this is where I am. I have irreversibly driven out over the cliff and just not hit the bottom yet. It’s an odd place to be-between no longer and not yet.
Or in my case, some prairie, I know exactly where. Instead I’m waiting at the cancer centre to talk to my oncologist (that I tenderly refer to as the shark) after missing 3 appointments. Not a good day.
Wish I was here instead.
Don’t you love spring? Soon we’ll have leaves. Yay!!!
So Cancer is pretty much a just a big *%#}+!!! lump that sucks the life out of you. At least that’s how I feel about it today. I have seen the blessings in the whole experience previously but to day it’s just a big life-sucking lump.
Have you ever noticed how some people have a lot in common with cancer? Kind of like life-sucking lumps, and worse than that, some are attatched to you in such a way that they can’t be removed.
Guess I’m just not in a good place this morning having slept in and missed an important test. My own fault. “If is to be, it’s up to me.”
But at least I kind of have my own robin. He seems to like this tree right outside my window.
I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before but I count myself mightily blessed to be a woman.
I didn’t think so when I was a little girl who, back then, couldn’t go to Cubs cause that was just for boys. And it was immodest to tree climb or swing to high in a dress, among other things. I thought I was awefully hard done by having to be a girl. I hadn’t really changed my mind till I met and married a certain cowboy.
It does seem like I, or any woman should feel priveledged to be a woman, what with going through periods, childbirth, and menopause. None of them without a pretty big downside. But as I have learned they are necessities in our partnership with God to bring precious sons and daughters into the world. In the end they are a small price to pay for the opportunity to be a mother. I love being a mom. Also not without its heartaches but again, so worth it.
Today I’m thinking about something else, the privilege of associating with other women. I stand in awe of so many whose courage and kindness astound me. Their examples comfort and inspire.
It is my greatest sadness that so many are treated so badly.
Meet Yeonmi Park
See her story by clicking Here
Such a brave young women. I pray daily for women in the world who face terror and abuse everyday of their lives.
Ok, so the stuff I made didn’t turn out, too salty, even rinced. So I bought some. Never tasted it before and all these years I had no idea how much I would like it. Oh my goodness! If I put it on my salad it’s better than salad dressing. Love the stuff.
And who would think it has probiotics? Cabbage great stuff.
Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning, rain or shine, and be thankful for a life you love? To jump out of bed happy to face what ever challenges the day will throws at you.
Do you know what it’s like to be doing all day exactly what you wanted to be doing since you were little? To be the very thing you answered when grown ups asked you: What do you to be when you grow up?
Do you know what’s it’s like to have people pay you to do what you would for free just because it makes you so happy?
Do you know what it’s like to crawl into bed at the end of the day so tired and satisfied that sleep envelopes you like a warm soft blanket? To sleep blissfully knowing tomorrow will be full of joy again?
So, that might help explain why I miss the things I do so much. It’s hard to not look back to times with so much joy in them, to not want that life back. Just a little grief talking today.
Writing is actually therapeutic, for me at least. Just reading what I write about this cancer journey helps say things that sometimes I don’t want to admit to my self.
The whole day has been one of good memories from my trip to Latvia and the U.K. last year. I still can hardly believe I was brave enough to do something so seemingly crazy.
Some days I’m just mad I think I’m doing good, all positive attitude-wise, good food choices, doing productive things, being patient, and then I just snap like a string that is strung too tight.
I feel like I could knock Ali out in the first round there is so much pent up energy behind it.
At the very best I am just mean spirited which hopefully isn’t like me. At least I’ve never intended to be mean (granted, that with my social skills people probably wonder).
Anger is just not healthy. I have to find some way to get rid of it before that becomes what kills me.
I’m bored today. Excruciatingly so. First time ever. I can’t find one blinking thing to do living in the city that helps. I tried walking, driving, even went to look in a greenhouse. Maybe it’s just a horrible case of spring fever but I feel like if I have to spent one more minute inside I’m going to scream and start throwing stuff.
I should be out fixing fence, getting ready for the cows to come. Seeing baby calves in everyone’s fields and laughing at the antics of the first gophers of the year. Listening for a robin. Cities suck!