Monthly Archives: November 2015

My Dad

Never underestimate how important the love of a Dad is. 

I think I have survived as long as I have because of this one thing: I knew my Dad loved me. 

Sometimes my tender heart just feels broken by people but my Dad loved me and loves me still, I’m sure. I hang onto that. I feel stronger when I remember that. 

What I wouldn’t give to just hang out with him. Soon maybe. 

I’ve done everything I can think of to come up with the money I need for this cancer treatment that I’m sure would help but I’m just not making it in time and I’m feeling more tired everyday. I can see that soon I’ll be too tired. 

Well, there’s worse things than dying and seeing my folks and family and a couple of old horses and a dog on the other side. I never realy fit here anyway and I’ve wanted to go Home for a long, long time. My Dad loves me and that’s where he is.  

Dad and me and my first horse, Gypsy Lee. 


My dad and his sister. That’s the Welsh flag and they have daffodils in their lapels. It was a 1st of March, St. David’s Day celebration. 



By Golly, of all the times to decide to try to go to Europe. Still bent on trying that new treatment for what ails me. 

But I guess I didn’t really understand the magnitude of the refugee problem caused by those terrorists over there. Looks to me like it’s in crisis porportion and they don’t have the luxury of saying whether they let them into their countries or not. They just walk in. 
It’s kind of a crazy world when I actually start liking Putin and Donald Trump (about Obama being either stupid or Evil). 

I realize the following is a montage and clips can be carefully chosen to make a point but some of those clips I have seen the longer versions of and when you watch the whole deal are just as horrifying. 

Anyway here is why, even though it’s a life/death choice for me, I hesitate. Click the word below. 


His Saddle

So, Ive been married to a cowboy for 38 years, some of them good, other not so much. As you go through life together sometimes you really wonder if you love your spouse or if they love you. You get cranky and yes there are days when you fight and not always nice. Some days look like it will be the end that you’ll spend the rest of your life riding alone.

That song of June Carter and Johnny Cash where he sings: “We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout,” that was us. I won’t go into the details of that but those first few years probably 10 or so were, and I blush saying this, were hotter than a pepper sprout. Oh, my.

Lately, with the hard times we’ve faced I wasn’t sure my cowboy really loved me or ever did. And I wasn’t too fond of him either. Today though, I write this in tears.

You all know I’ve been trying to sell my saddle to get some funds together to get a new cancer treatment that doesn’t involve chemo and radiation. Well, two cowboys came to have a look at that saddle. My cowboy had come to help me catch and saddle our horses with that saddle of mine so the guy with the cash could try it out. He decided he didn’t like it. I was a little desperate to not let that $3500 walk away and looked over at my cowboy and asked: “Would you consider selling your saddle?” I knew this guy would like it better. With out a moments hesitation he went and got it and saddled Trouper with it so the guy could try it. It was bought on the spot. That guy held out his hand and my cowboy shook it. He just stood there and shook it. That saddle that he loved and probably will never be able to replace went out the door and it was me that cried.

I am loved. He is loved. I’ll never ever doubt that again.

It really is true: A true love story never ends.

Practicle Advice

I just read this on Facebook. Some pretty practical advice to sons, some of it, that could apply to girls too (not the shaving parts lol), my dad taught me. 

Your father probably told you a few things, but just in case he wasn’t around enough, here are some words of wisdom you might have missed out on:
Buy high quality tools, so you only have to buy them once. (I might have added buy them in orange so they are easier to find)

Keep a change of clothes at the office. 

Never hit anyone unless they are an immediate threat.

Every hat should serve a purpose. 

Never take her to the movies on the first date. 

Learn to wet shave. 

Nothing looks more badass than a well-tailored suit. 

Shave with the grain on the first go-around. 

Always look a person in the eye when you talk to them. 

Buy a plunger before you need a plunger. 

Exercise makes you happy. Run, lift, and play sports. 

Brush your teeth before you put on your tie. 

A small amount of your paycheck should go directly to your savings account every month. 

Call Mom and Dad every week. 

Never wear a clip-on tie. 

Give a firm handshake. 

Compliment her shoes. (Of course, in Canada that would means winter boots)

If you aren’t confident, fake it. It will come around. 

You can tell the size of a man by the size of things that bother him. 

Be conscious of your body language. 

The only reason to ever point a gun at someone is if you intend to shoot them. Period. 

Always stand to shake someone’s hand. 

Never lend anything you can’t afford to lose. 

Ask more than you answer. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. 

Never have sex with anyone that doesn’t want it as much as you. 

Go for women out of your league. You may end up surprised. 

Manliness is not only being able to take care of yourself, but others as well. 

Go with the decision that will make for a good story.  

 When you walk, look straight ahead, not at your feet. 

Nice guys don’t finish last, boring guys do. 

Find your passion and figure out how to get paid for it. 

Don’t let the little head do the thinking for the big head. 

No matter their job or status, everyone deserves your respect. 

The most important thing you can learn is personal responsibility. 

Bad things happen; it’s your job to overcome them. 

The first one to get angry loses. 

A man does what needs to be done without complaining. 

Never stop learning. 

Always go out into public dressed like you’re about to meet the love of your life. 

Don’t change yourself just to make someone happy. 

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you’re in the wrong room. 

Luck favors the prepared. 

Women find confidence sexy as hell. 

Do whatever you want to do, but be the best at it. 

No one is on their deathbed wishing they spent more time at work. (Not sure if that’s true if you’ve been an old cowgirl)



I’m not sure to be happy or sad. I’m happy, cause it’s sold but I’m sad, because it’s sold. 

Couldn’t even say how many hours my butt’s been in that saddle for the last 15 or so years. The stories it could tell if it could talk. So many memories. But it’s headed off to a new home and more adventures.

It sure doesn’t owe me any thing. It was worth every penny I spent to buy it. And I’ve loved those tapederos that I wanted my whole life (well since I first saw tapederos on Trigger, those of you old enough will know who that is). 

But the money might save my life. Guess like most mules I’d rather have that than the saddle. 

Not Me

I’m just trying to process something. This is what they gave me when I went to a chemo education meeting and what had me desperately searching for any kind of alternative. 

Not sure if you can read this but this is a chemo spill kit containing what I would need if I spilled any of the chemo they would be sending me home with. 

First you put on the gown, mask, goggles  and gloves; use the chemo bio-wipe bag according to instructions to clean up the spill, turn the bag inside out and seal. Put all that in another chemo waste bag with the used mask, gown, gloves, and googles and tie with a metal tie then return to the cancer treatment centre. 

Apparently you can’t spill any on your skin or even on the floor but they want to pump it directly into my heart. Honestly? 

Doesn’t that seem crazy to you? I don’t understand how they have convinced so many people that this is a good idea and done it for the last 40 years. Don’t you wonder how come nothing except earlier detection (so they can start the nightmare sooner) has been discovered in 40 years. Aren’t you even a little suspicious why?

Sorry, but I think maybe people should wake up and be hollering blue murder and putting pressure on the powers that be instead running for the cure or donating any money to put it in the hands of people who aren’t doing anything to actually solve the problem of millions, every year, suffering (including the patient and their families) and dying long, slow deaths. 

Just makes me mad. If this inadequacy is driven by money all I can say is: I hope they know they won’t be using their money to buy a place in Heaven and I suspect their personal Hell will be multiplied millions of times over. 

That’s just one old cowgirl’s view. 


I’ve researched my brains out and come up with a little hope that doesn’t mean loss of bowel and bladder control, vaginal scaring (caused by radiation) and major depression due to loss of neurogenisis, plus skin peeling off my hands and feet (like a glove they said), and hair loss, (all caused by chemo). The doctors called that: informed consent and I said “Seriously? Who would consent to that?”

I’ve learned so much in this research process about how my body and brain work. This whole TED talk

Sandrine Thuret: You can grow new brain cells. Here’s how
was  really enlightening about our brains ability to grow new neurons and what happens when we don’t (she even mentions how chemo affects it) Seriously you should listen to it. 

Anyway there is a relatively new therapy developed in Europe for my type of cancer. It’s been researched for over 40 years and has passed all the clinical trials in the country where it was developed and is being prescribed by doctors there specifically for Melanoma (one of the most aggressive cancers) with a 4-6 times better 5 year survival rate (based on the stage) over conventional therapy. 

I’m trying to get my finances organized to go this month.  It’s not free like the chemo and radiation but so much better and so worth it. But doctors here never tell you there are options other than cut, poison, and burn. 
So say a little prayer that I’ll be able to come up with the money and it will all work out for me. 

By the way, it’s the reason I’m trying to sell my saddle for $3500 with the Tapederos. 15 1/2″ seat, buck rolls, mule hide wrapped horn, rough out thick leather, Nichol made tree, made by Bob Kauffman here in Alberta, brass drop plate rigging, brass tie rope holders on both sides, extra long strings for tying on gear. Fits a real variety of horses: eg. 16.1 HH big whithered Wilbur to mutton-withered 15 HH Trouper. I could sure use the money and it’s a good saddle. 

 The taps are realy well made and have a lovely taping sound when you ride. I’ve found them good for flapping cows in the face to get them to turn and for tickling the backs of calves to get them up. I’ve never had the chance to sort down alleyways with them but I’ve seen guys use taps for that. I personally think that cows like them cause they always know where I am when I’m moving a herd cause they hear that rhythmic tapping. 

It’s a good outfit and broke in enough that you don’t have to look like a greenhorn with an squeaky new saddle (no extra charge for that, lol). 

Reach Up

Found this quote by Elder Vern P. Stanfil this morning. It includes a reference to my favourite scripture. (You can read it on the side bar here on this blog under My Favorite Scripture.)

“We must remember how much our Heavanly Father and His Son love us. They will neither abandon us, nor will They allow us to be overcome if we seek their help. 

Remember Peter’s experience in the hostile waves of the Sea of Galilee. As Peter felt the cold darkness close around him, he recognized his dilemma immediately and chose in that very moment to call out for help. He did not question the Savior’s power to save him; he simply called out, “Lord, save me. ”
About 15 years ago, as I watched my mom struggle with the same cancer as I have, I found myself having my own kind of pain and, feeling overwhelmed by it, I had to withdraw a distance so as not to be engulfed in my own personal sea of misery. Mom forgave me and as my head lay in her lap one day she stroked my hair and simply asked, “Why.” I looked at her through tear filled eyes and said, “because it was too sad.”
I grieved for the two years prior to her death and after went through the same grief process over again. 

I wonder if those who love me are not going through that same thing, the very feelings I wanted to save them from. I’ve never minded being alone so it surprises me how important contact seems to me now, now when everyone is trying to cope with their own feelings or loss and fear, like a growing darkness closing in around them. 

For those of you that feel like this or maybe have not yet realized what the feeling of unease you have is caused by but have started to withdraw (or will), know that you are forgiven. I understand because I have been through it myself. 

Also know that you are loved by me and even more by your loving Heavenly Father and His Son. They are there for you and will be when I can’t anymore. That is my comfort, to know you will be in His hands if you will just reach up to grasp them. If ever you get to the point where you feel you are sinking, like in the story of Peter, reach up.