Monthly Archives: November 2017

Pain vs Sleep

Ok. For 5 weekends, in a row, I’ve been trying to work with Dr Shark and his “paliative care team” in Medicine Hat, where I live, to make satisfactory adjustments to my pain meds. Or, I should say, nothing gets done during the week so every weekend I’m trying to survive a pain crisis. And I’m here to tell you those sure aren’t pretty, involving lots of crying (even screaming) and begging. 

I’ve begun to hate weekends and actually my “paliative care team” as well. According to what I’ve been told they are the pain management experts and are the ones in charge of keeping you comfortable in your last days. That seems to solely involve sedating a person so heavily that all they do is sleep those final precious weeks maybe even months. 

Throw into that mix the restless brain of a person with ADD and it all turns into shear torture. My starved -for-input-brain just can’t handle being that sedated. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just need to give up the idea that my “paliative care team” is going to help me at all. There is always more than one solution to a problem, if I can just be awake enough to find it. 

If it’s to be, it’s up to me. And when Karma raises her head I’m going to feel awfully sorry for those those involved in the Cancer Industry. So far I haven’t seen anything about it that seems sensible or compassionate. Maybe with the exception of some nurses who I don’t think have really thought about what is going on and their part in it, who are just kind by nature. 

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Memories

I was blessed from Heaven with 3 of the cutest, loveliest little girls. Here are the 2 youngest on Santa’s knee. 

This is our Middle girl and her Great Grandmother. As a young teen our girl used to volunteer at the extended care facility where her Great Grandma lived. I think if I was to describe this child to someone the word compassionate would be used for sure. Much like her Great Grandma in this picture. 

My cowboy reading the story of “Sneaky Snake” to his three daughters. I don’t remember that story anymore but I’m so glad I took this picture so I could freeze that precious moment in time around the kitchen table. 

At some friends home. Always envied them having a big fireplace. This was taken back when I was ignorant about the difference between big landowners and the rest of us. But that’s a whole other story. 

One of the only things I am truly ashamed of took place on thier ranch. It involved a horse with a broken back left to suffer for weeks. I should have reported it, friends or not. 

Merle and his Dad, Gran’pa John and my cousin from the UK. Merle was a really good man, humble and kind, died pretty young after a series of heart attacks, 5 of them, about 1 every five years. You always got the feeling around him that somewhere, maybe during one of those heart attack episodes, that he had actually seen and talked to God, face to face. A true cowboy. I had/have so much respect for him still. 


My mom and Dad, the same cousin, our girls, and our little dog, Hercules. Our youngest really loved this cousin, the same one who put up with me all those months I was in the UK.  I sure appreciate all the sacrifices he made for me then. What a huge responsibility he took on, so willingly. 

Options

Pretty slim options,down to 2. Pain or sleep. Seems like I’m at the place where I can either be in pain or they can give me pain killers that just put me to sleep. With time on the short side I’d like to at least be awake to enjoy what’s left. This dying thing kind of sucks. 

Rest

It always interests me how important rest is to recuperation and how little rest we ever get in the hospital. Certainly is time timo go home and catch up on all the sleep I’ve been missing in here.