Some Beach, Some Where

Or in my case, some prairie, I know exactly where. Instead I’m waiting at the cancer centre to talk to my oncologist (that I tenderly refer to as the shark) after missing 3 appointments. Not a good day. 


Wish I was here instead. 

Green is Coming

Don’t you love spring? Soon we’ll have leaves. Yay!!!

Lumps

So Cancer is pretty much a just a big *%#}+!!! lump that sucks the life out of you. At least that’s how I feel about it today. I have seen the blessings in the whole experience previously but to day it’s just a big life-sucking lump.

Have you ever noticed how some people have a lot in common with cancer? Kind of like life-sucking lumps, and worse than that, some are attatched to you in such a way that they can’t be removed.

Guess I’m just not in a good place this morning having slept in and missed an important test. My own fault. “If is to be, it’s up to me.” 

But at least I kind of have my own robin. He seems to like this tree right outside my window.

Women 

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before but I count myself mightily blessed to be a woman. 

I didn’t think so when I was a little girl who, back then, couldn’t go to Cubs cause that was just for boys. And it was immodest to tree climb or swing to high in a dress, among other things. I thought I was awefully hard done by having to be a girl. I hadn’t really changed my mind till I met and married a certain cowboy. 

It does seem like I, or any woman should feel priveledged to be a woman, what with going through periods, childbirth, and menopause. None of them without a pretty big downside.  But as I have learned they are necessities in our partnership with God to bring precious sons and daughters into the world. In the end they are a small price to pay for the opportunity to be a mother. I love being a mom. Also not without its heartaches but again, so worth it. 

Today I’m thinking about something else, the privilege of associating with other women. I stand in awe of so many whose courage and kindness astound me. Their examples comfort and inspire. 

It is my greatest sadness that so many are treated so badly. 

Meet Yeonmi Park

See her story by clicking Here

Such a brave young women. I pray daily for women in the world who face terror and abuse everyday of their lives. 

The Saurkraut

Ok, so the stuff I made didn’t turn out,  too salty, even rinced. So I bought some. Never tasted it before and all these years I had no idea how much I would like it. Oh my goodness! If I put it on my salad it’s better than salad dressing. Love the stuff. 

And who would think it has probiotics?  Cabbage great stuff. 

I Do

Do you know what it’s like to wake up in the morning, rain or shine, and  be thankful for a life you love? To jump out of bed happy to face what ever challenges the day will throws at you. 

Do you know what it’s like to be doing all day exactly what you wanted to be doing since you were little? To be the very thing you answered when grown ups asked you: What do you to be when you grow up? 

Do you know what’s it’s like to have people pay you to do what you would for free just because it makes you so happy?

Do you know what it’s like to crawl into bed at the end of the day so tired and satisfied that sleep envelopes you like a warm soft blanket? To sleep blissfully knowing tomorrow will be full of joy again?

I do. 

So, that might help explain why I miss the things I do so much. It’s hard to not look back to times with so much joy in them, to not want that life back. Just a little grief talking today. 

Writing

Writing is actually therapeutic, for me at least. Just reading what I write about this cancer journey helps say things that sometimes I don’t want to admit to my self. 

The whole day has been one of good memories from my trip to Latvia and the U.K. last year. I still can hardly believe I was  brave enough to do something so seemingly crazy. 

Mad

Some days I’m just mad I think I’m doing good, all positive attitude-wise, good food choices, doing productive things, being patient, and then I just snap like a string that  is strung too tight. 

I feel like I could knock Ali out in the first round there is so much pent up energy behind it. 

At the very best I am just mean spirited which hopefully isn’t like me. At least I’ve never intended to be mean (granted, that with my social skills people probably wonder). 

Anger is just not healthy.  I have to find some way to get rid of it before that becomes what kills me. 

A First

I’m bored today. Excruciatingly so. First time ever. I can’t find one blinking thing to do living in the city that helps. I tried walking, driving, even went to look in a greenhouse. Maybe it’s just a horrible case of spring fever but I feel like if I have to spent one more minute inside I’m going to scream and start throwing stuff. 

I should be out fixing fence, getting ready for the cows to come. Seeing baby calves in everyone’s fields and laughing at the antics of the first gophers of the year. Listening for a robin. Cities suck!

Spring Wish

I’m not sure if you can tell from the photo but inside the little glasses on top of two of my candle holders have little butterflies and flowers (albeit plastic ones).  And little solar panels so the butterflies are constantly moving.  Even though spring is just a wish right now they remind me it’s coming. 

It’s kind of sad I’m missing the spring bluebonnets in Texas and the daffodils in Wales but maybe this spring I’ll see the precious little crocuses blooming in every little dip on big vast prairie. They are my favorite. Crocus and little baby calfs, curled up beside them, napping.